Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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