What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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