direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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