I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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