You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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