the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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