Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
