She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
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