I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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