dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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