it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
