My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
