I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
