Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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