note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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