Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
