gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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