1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
