I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize