Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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