I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
