whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
