There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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