I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize