Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
