hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
There's even glitter on my cock...
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