There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
