I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
