wanna go halves on a baby?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
