I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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