I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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