how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
