I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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