and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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