it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
