On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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