Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
