I think I died a long time ago.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
