I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
