Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
