Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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