I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
