if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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