rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
