ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
