im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
