I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
