hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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