i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The Olympian is in my bed
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
