Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
