my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize