Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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