My nipple is on Facebook.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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