The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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