Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
