even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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