I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize