After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
you traded sex for a burrito?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
