someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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