I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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