Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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