the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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